So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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