Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
