i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize