he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
