did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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