I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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