remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
