Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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