Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
