i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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