Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
