it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
