Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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