Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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