ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
