the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
