Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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