Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
