I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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