i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Let's get the cat blown out
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
