About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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