he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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