sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
