Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
