she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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