I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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