My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
