She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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