I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
