My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
