Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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