so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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