so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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