i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
