so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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