Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
