never play flip cup with pint glasses
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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