I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
