his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
