I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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