Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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