When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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