apparently the secret to your success is patron
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
