So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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