You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
