There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
