dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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