My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I touched a dick in church today
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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