My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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