My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
