that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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