i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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